WARNING: The views expressed by Wilbert the Wolverine are not necessarily those of anyone on the Hokeamaniac.com staff or reasonable facsimile thereof. Please consider the source. He’s a Wolverine for god sakes!
Greetings Wolverine Nation,
I’m Wilbert the Wolverine. I live in a secret place between “The Big House” and Schemblecher Hall. I am the last wild wolverine in Ann Arbor and maybe even the United States. I think I have some cousins in Alaska, but most of my family lives in Canada, which is a strange place where humans get out of the shower to pee.
I don’t know how much you know about the Michigan Wolverines, the team named after my family, but here are some things you should know. Michigan is by far the most successful program in the history of college football, and this is why:
The Michigan Wolverines have the MOST all-time wins in college football history (895) they say less is more sometimes… this is NOT one of those times.
The Michigan Wolverines have the HIGHEST all-time winning percentage in college football history (.736).
The Michigan Wolverines also have the MOST winning seasons (113).
The Michigan Wolverines have the MOST undefeated seasons of teams currently competing in Division I-A/FBS (23).
The Michigan Wolverines have won or shared 42 league titles, more than ANY other football program in ANY conference in NCAA history. That just makes my fur tingle.
The Michigan Wolverines are ONE of ONLY three schools with a winning record against EVERY Division I-A/FBS conference and non-conference rivals. And the ONLY B1G Ten Team with that distinction.
The Michigan Wolverines had the largest crowd to ever attend an NCAA football game: 114,804 on September 10, 2011 at Michigan Stadium vs. Notre Dame (the night the lights went out on Notre Dame).
The Michigan Wolverines have the longest streak in home game attendance of over 100,000 (239 games; since November 8, 1975 vs. Purdue).
The Michigan Wolverines have been the most televised school in college football history: 432 televised games.
I also don’t know how much you know about Wolverines, but when it comes to our eating habits we are dangerous. We are omnivores. We eat everything, but we like meat most of all.
Personally, I enjoy eating Spartans although they give me gas because they’re so cheap and greasy. But I have gorged on them over the years. Which is why, the Michigan–Michigan State rivalry is 67–32–5 in favor of Michigan.
I eat Fighting Irish regularly but they’re very stringy and not much meat on them. Still I have had my way with them, which is why the wolverines lead that rivalry series, 23-15-1.
Cornhuskers conversely are meaty. I’ve just started developing a taste for them, hence Michigan only leads the series 4-2-1. But I stuffed myself so much on cornhusker last year I burped for days.
Boilermakers are rich in protein but a pain to chew. Series wise, in the Michigan Purdue rivalry, it’s 43-14 in Michigan’s favor, which is why I call Purdue Pur… “Don’t”.
Hoosiers are easy to catch, easy to chew but they get stuck in my teeth. Do you know how much dental floss I have gone through in Michigan’s 59-2 domination of that series?
Fighting Illini are a lot like Hoosiers although they taste more like chicken, hence the 68-23-2 Michigan domination there.
Nittany Lions have a funny after taste, kind of soapy. And they’re not easy to catch, unless they’re taking a shower—then they’re very easy to catch, because they’re usually busy doing something else and not looking. Now when you look at the series between Michigan and Penn State, Michigan leads 16 – zip if you count the NCAA vacated wins, if you don’t, Michigan leads 10 – 6. Either way, if it comes down to bending over in the shower, the Nittany Lion will be doing it—not me.
Wildcats are a nice delicacy but they’re small in this area of the country, so you have to eat a lot of them. This is why Michigan has dominated that series 53 -15 – 2. It’s been like Sandy Duncan eating Wheat Thins.
Badgers on the other hand are tough but very tasty. And I like eating them in Wisconsin at Camp Randall because they have good cheese up there. And there’s nothing I like better than a good badger burger with extra cheese. That of course is reflected in Michigan’s 49 -14 -1 lopsided domination of that series.
I love Iowa Hawkeyes, but they’re more feathers than meat. Thanks to Michigan’s domination of Iowa (40 – 13 – 4), I have many feather comforters and pillows in my den.
The golden gophers taste like dirt—old dirt. I’ve been chowing down on them for a long time, and Michigan has the 71 – 24 – 3 record to prove it. They should be called the olden gophers. So I have to put a lot of ketchup on them, and wash them down with water from the Little Brown Jug.
Now one of my favorite foods is actually a nut, a very ugly common nut called a buckeye. I eat a lot of them, one right after the other. They don’t taste very good, and they’re not that nutritious but they keep me regular. Like all of the others, Michigan has dominated that rivalry as well. 58 – 43 – 6.
I also like to have Trojans to start the New Year, but I don’t eat them—I use them for something else—but what happens in Pasadena, stays in Pasadena—so let’s not go there.
I am really excited because in a few days I’m going to have a rare treat—elephant meat. Barbecued elephant, basted in a crimson-tide sauce. It’s delicious. Now it’s greasy I admit—but the flavor is downright delicate. I had some a few years ago in Miami. And you know in Texas they will barbecue or fry anything, including air—so this is going to be a feast! Michigan also leads this series but it’s only 2 – 1. However, I can hardly wait to make it three.
Which brings me to a curious question. Why do so many people think that my Michigan Wolverines are going to be destroyed by the Crimson Tide? That wouldn’t even happen on The Twilight Zone. Michigan is going to beat Alabama like Ike beat Tina or those Somali people beat Peace Corps waffle mix.
Alabama’s getting a lot of press about how great their defense is. How great do we really know something is that we haven’t seen, or hasn’t been tested? Yes, they have a great coach, but so do we, and yes, they have very talented athletes, but so do we. So what then is the difference maker on a neutral field? Attitude and self-confidence is the difference. I see the players practice. I hear them talk. They are a force to be reckoned with. They believe. And that is why they will dominate and I will feast on elephant meat.
The most important thing that you can take into battle is confidence and persistence. Team 133 is confident. They don’t believe they can win the National Championship, they know it and expect it. It was persistence that won the Sugar Bowl last year, despite all of our injuries. And boy was that sweet… (And what happens in New Orleans also stays in New Orleans… I hope.) But I digress.
Michigan will win the Cowboys Classic because Alabama hasn’t experienced an offense as versatile and explosive as Michigan’s offense. By the time Alabama knows what hit them—the game will be over. Now I must go pack my barbecue elephant ribs bib….
—-Cont’roll Tide and HAIL Team 133! See ya’ next week
Wilbert The Wolverine.